Why throw a party if no one will come?

why care when it doesn't even matter?

You won't

The heater pipes wind up

getting ready for the punch

of make-believe sun-warmth

but the gurgle, cough, splutter,

and die

Like you do. Like you always do.

You won't let me feel worth something

you will keep hitting me over the head

determined

to explain how much of a fuck up I am.

I'm sorry means more to me than it ever did to you.

All I ever told them

was the pain you engraved in my heart

Trust me?

Ha.

You never did. You never will. You never had anything to trust me with.

Run away. Just run, because you never stop long enough

to breathe

long enough to understand

that the world if filled with so much more than you

so much more than the mistakes of misguided

of hurt

of forgotten

friends? Were we ever that to you?

Or, when I came to you afraid of cracking

did you too not know what to say?

Did you too, cry because I put you on the spot.

God, one day, you'll figure it out.

But I won't be around to watch it.

Stop blaming me for your calamity.

because it only makes me hurt more.

But that's what you want, isn't it.

This

is so wrong...

right?

I don't know what I want.

Also, I hate psychological Horror movies.

Good bye

As soon as you start dating her, I'll understand it is completely over.

I hold no grudge. No anger. No hurt.

okay...maybe a little of those. But I know I shouldn't.

I want a friendly face. A kind hug. A quiet kiss. A secret love. But...

in a few weeks?

You'll have everything you ever wanted. For all you've ever been.

Congratulations, Adam. You finally realized you could do better than me.

With all the remainder of my love,

Bela

/him/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4dcK0Jyvh8&feature=player_embedded

Letters of Forgiving

You are the one that I don't understand. The one that is ever steady in your lack of maturity and in your incapability of letting go of the past. You continually try to be kinda to everyone, yet unable to be kind whole heartedly. You were my best friend, at some point. Now, our friendship is suspended, hovering like a continued darkness over your mind. I am free of this darkness now, because I have accepted it and understand that to progress forward, all the past must be let go.

To you, I ask forgiveness for my ignorance, for my incapability of saving you, and the hurt I have put your through. I ask this, and pray you will grant it. I am done with our past, and want to work instead on the future.

I also forgive you. For all the hurt you have put me through. For all the days I spent troubled over that darkness that infects both mind and heart. I forgive you for all of this and more. Why? Because I know deep down, that you never meant it to be like this. That you are, in fact, a good person with a kind heart.

---

You. I have written letter upon letter on this subject. I have searched within myself, and I know that you have to your own extent. You are the perfectionist, and I feel as though it was my job to fix the imperfections of your life. I'm sorry I wasn't able to be everything you needed, nor wanted. And I am sorry that you and I never settled our pasts completely and honestly.

Though I believe it doesn't matter anymore.

I forgive you for the mark on my chest. For the scars and the years I spent trying in vain to change something, and being rejected. I forgive you, and ask for your forgiveness. Though, I believe you will never grant me this.

I truly am sorry. Though I believe it is petty to hold this in our minds any longer. The past stays there, and I believe we are done with it.

Good luck with your life. And I will always pray for you.

---

You were the one that I walked wearily behind. Trying not to step in your path. Trying, perhaps in vain, not to become like you. I am sorry for our slightly tangled relationship, and that I do still sometimes bitterly think of your name.

I forgive you for being the other one in his life, because I understand you now completely. At least, in the sense that I stand in the same path you did, trying not to take the wrong way.

Forgive me for my stupidity, my childish love, and my innocence.

I hope we both continue to be friends, and not tangled with the same lovers.

---

To put it simply, I have already forgiven you.

You shall try to not speak about you with anger or contempt as I have slipped into in my confusion and fear of the future.

I ask for forgiveness in the mistakes I made in our relationship. I know I should have held you closer to my heart, and not been afraid.

---

Mom, Dad: It's pretty simple.

I never felt as though you truly held any pride in me. And I forgive you for it.

I ask forgiveness inturn for our differences of opinion, my harshness, and my defiance.

Let me grow into the person I want to be.

And I will put down my shield and sword, and sit down to dinner with you.

---

I forgive you for talking ill about me if you forgive me for talking ill about you.

This speaks to a few people, but it is simple.

and this will be ended.

Forgivness

is the release of a better past.

Yom Kippur is about forgiveness. To forgive, and to ask for forgiveness.

I feel as though I have very much to do on either side of that equation, and would like to do it in my own way. As symbolically as possible.

I forgot to fast today...but I feel as though I should fast once I feel as though I'm ready to turn this new chapter of life. Therefore, on Monday I shall fast.

I would like to ask forgiveness.

And I hope to receive it, as I do feel like a new person. Like I'm more mature and becoming better with each day.

I would like to give forgiveness.

As I do not hold grudges, but quietly and perpetually try to understand another side to the situation. I grant forgiveness to those I believe deserve it, and really: it is all people who I may be slightly bitter to.

To an extent.

Those who harm my friends, especially my sister, are not yet forgiven completely. And I'm sorry for that. I just cannot find it in myself yet to forgive them for their actions and the struggles they have put her through. I mean them no ill. I simply will wait until they prove themselves worth of her and my forgiveness.

No one

told me how hard this year was going to be. But That's probably good, right?

- meet all college app deadlines

- Study for SAT, get a 2100 or more

- All A's in classes

- Volunteer work

- Job

- Get a license

- Try to fix Heather's situation/make sure she has a way to communicate with me/ make sure she's okay/ make sure her mom doesn't go more ape shit that now/ make sure she survives this and graduates.

- Get over Adam.

- Running running running

- volleyball

- find new friendships and closure for old ones

- Sterling needs someone to take care of him. Meaning I need to talk to Mrs. Mohr about it.

- get mom going to the gym at least 3 times a week

- make dinner most nights

- be healthier

- make sure people that matter to me are okay

- Keep up the idea of self worth.

- Frontage roads???

- Inga's club???

- apply for scholarships to schools

- get writing into a contest

- Slam poetry

Some more essential than others. Most not optional.

somedays I just want to put my head on someone's shoulder, close my eyes, and rest.

But that won't happen anytime soon, so that's okay.

I just gatta keep fighting through.

Learning.

I am learning how to be alone and not lonely.

I'm learning to be a person, my own, without influence or demands.

I am Me, and I've never been able to find that until now. I still miss him. I still love him. But the darkness of the night is fading and the hope for a re-birthing sunrise is waiting. I have run through the rain, the heat, and finally the air feels safe and good in my lungs.

Those who were friends before, can still be friends now. But I understand so much more about myself. Am able to be more mature about my life. I want to share it with someone, but no one understands the epiphany I've had.

I am alone amongst people, looking and speaking at and with myself. They are all distant, faces with minds and thoughts that I know but will not communicate with.

I will forgive. I will never forget.

and it hurts to know that the past can be forgotten so easily. But I understand.

It wasn't as important. It wasn't as relevant. So you demand my friendship now?

No.

I am not yours to control, to want, to anything. I am my own person, body soul and mind. My opinion, my own story, that you don't even care to ask about.

This is not in my hands, it is in yours.

it doesn't hurt

but it just makes me feel lonely.

but that's just broken guitar strings on a country song.

i wan this to stop

Now.

I need to fill the empty spaces you left behind.

First one is the time. and i realize how lonely it is, sitting without someone to text.

it won't happen again, that kind of love.

Unconstructive

I never thought your words could be
the pressed flowers of gravestone pages
littering the libraries of hushed secrets,
stacked high with the regrets
only book readers can give.

Boldly, I'd passed you my book across the table
a gesture of confidence that was slowly
broken out of my back bone.
Speaking with self assurance in the size
of my waist-to-hip ratio and almost long hair
and the unmistakable whisper of self confidence
I told you you'd be a good kyropracor.

Had I known then, the devious nature
of our multi dimensional world
with so many different sides to one coin
that i could spin one in my head
with endless ease
trying to find
the truth.

It's made of money, money and sin and beauty
and pain and sorrow and hope and destruction
it's made of my greed, your greed
our short comings.

So when i found out that your
pressed-lip-secrets
littered the libraries of my world
congealed in the cracks of my once straight
self image,
I decided to flip a coin

letting it land on my perception
of you.

If

if i had taken better care of you, you wouldn't be in the hospital right now.

look me in the eye, damn it. look at me.

feels like...

worthlessness
sounds like nothing
tastes like nausea
looks grotesque

this is who i am.

i'm going to sleep now
be damned if t means anything to you.

Not so sweet.

So, 15th out of 120 sounds pretty good, right?
Wrong.
it is a 16s division, and I am a Jr.
Strike one.
i played right side, and hardly did anything to help.
Strike two.
i played 16s last year.
Strike three.
(redemtion perhaps in the fact that i am 16)

Now, take someone who is on my school volleyball team.
Played 17s division.
Played right side on Austin Jr. Which means you're a beast.
Won the whole tournament.
Lost no games.
Will be playing next year 'with me' on varsity.

Why. Am. I. Even. Trying.

So that you may be more perfect for someone else

Thain: If you will continue to stand and be beaten on, that is your choice

What is truth, when reality is built on half a lie
and half assumption.

Buddy Wakefield

You are my insperation.
"Forgivness is the release of all hope for a better past"

I cling to you like the friends i wish i still had.
(and i stopped capitalizing my i's around you
becuase i didn't matter as much when it was singular
but it matter more when it was plurral
like We and Us
but i still slip up sometimes
becuase you make me feel
as though i'm worth the extra effort)

feels like i've wasted the past...
oh
5 years?
longer...
and i know they're not wasted
becusae everything happens with a reason
but it still feels like it

(and so i pretended to fall sleep in your arms
whilest i waited for your own breathign to slow
becuase i can't stand loosing the seconds
between us)

Love is cherrished.
Hate is forgiven.
Kindness is forgotten.
Mistakes become nothing.

Summer Wishes (dresses)

Delias
{ }http://store.delias.com/item.do?itemID=52913&categoryID=1832&sizeFilter=&colorFilter=&brandFilter=
{ } http://store.delias.com/content/features/swim/jsp/shore.jsp

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

I. Unnoticed, when I slipped out from between your woven figures,
the ones that begged me to stay at your side
at all times.
No matter how many candles I’d spit on this year
or how many tests I took
I still wasn’t ready for the real world.
In your opinion,
I still needed to wear your safety-hands around my body,
hugging me close to your soft-breasted-seat
because you are
Mother.

II. I didn’t believe you when you called me lost;
I thought I owned every map of my internal organs
and knew better
than to stick close to my blood stream.
Now, I see you as the womanwho gave me my bones.

You knew more about me, than I knewmyself.

III. I pretended not to see your hands
when you offered me them,
expecting me to grab on for dear life
expecting I wanted a protector, a guardian, a savior,
an everything-I-needed-at-this-moment-and-more.
I was stubborn,
because I learned it was better
to sit on the lost-and-found
and wait.
I wanted escape, excitement, fear. Not
You.

IV. I didn’t believe you when you said
to see the speed of light by the sound
of time rushing past my ears
on trains moving too fast
to be caught
leaving us stranded on a platform
of almost goodbyes.
to taste the sea salted city by the sight
of weather crusted sailors,
with sour lips and wistful eyes
yearning to find earth woven hearts,
to hear the thud of my pulse by the feeling
of muscle contractions
in my fluttering veins.

I didn’t think my organs could work that way,
tangled in each other’s paths.

V. I believed you when I tasted
the bitter salt sugar clinging to my
mothering eyes, when
two small hands pulled
at the cracks between my figures,
begging to be let go
too soon.

The Truth

Children become confused when told two different 'truths' about the same subject.

I wish my mom would stop talking to me.

Paper Wings

I made a pair of paper wings for you
plucked them off the tree I grew,

from summer to spring the leaves changed:
the basic DNA structure rearranged.

Through hurricanes and typhoons
to burning hot afternoons,

I tried to protect my fragile gift
from ripping weather and temperature shift.

Finally I give these wings to you,
with some feathers slightly askew,
Some rips and tears pulling through,
and maybe a green leaf or two--

but I needed to give them away quickly
lest they fall apart completely,
because as I wrap them, they still smell sweetly

and make me think of you.


--
You looked innocent and pretty, you looked like a whole new person, very beautiful. I think of you guys alot.
I think of how it used to be.

I need a pair of paper wings.

Valentines Day

- Cupcakes, red velvet
-Black lace, long top

lonely

i need to stop breaking down on people
its not nice.

i'm surrounded by strangers
that i know nearly everything about...

wrote a poem. made me feel better. for a moemnt.
I crash when i need you most.
You can be defined as anyone.

angst angst haaaaaarry potter angst

Summer

-o-Shorts, JC Penny, dark, long, ripped
-o- Free flowing, gray, Macyes top
-[]- Prett lace nude and black top, Macyes

Pretty Clothing

Sometimes I wish I was amazing and could pull off
-Perfect Skinny Jeans
-Super Cute black dress, lace, semi-formal
-cute top, free flow, lace on short sleves, pink or black outfits
-Rose bras knuckles
-Knitted hat, flower, hippie
-

If Only, If Only

"If only, if only," the woodpecker sighs, "The bark on the tree was just a little bit softer." While the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely, He cries to the moo-oo-oon, "If only, if only."
-Holes, Louis Sachar